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Holiday meals can be beautiful and brutal at the same time, especially for children and young adults with autism or other sensory challenges. New foods, lots of people, unexpected noises, changes in routine, comments from relatives… it’s a lot of stimulation all at once.

The goal isn’t “make them act typical at Grandma’s table.” The goal is: help them access the parts of the holiday that feel good, safely and with dignity, using behavior-analytic principles in a compassionate way.

Here’s a practical, ABA-informed guide you can use or share with families before Thanksgiving.

1. Start with Predictability: Use Schedules & Priming

ABA principle: Antecedent strategies & stimulus control.

Learners with autism often do better when they know what’s coming. A holiday meal is often the opposite of that: late food, off-schedule naps, new people popping in, football yelling, dogs, dishes clanking.

Support ideas:

• Make a simple visual schedule for the day:
  “Drive to Grandma’s → Play/quiet time → Eat → Break → Dessert → Go home.”
• Preview the plan with your learner using photos or short videos of the house, relatives, or the “kids’ table.”
• Clarify expectations in neutral, supportive language:
  “You can sit with us for a few minutes, then you can take a break.”

This isn’t about control; it’s about giving the environment clear cues so the learner doesn’t have to guess all day.

2. Honor Sensory Needs Up Front

ABA principle: Setting events, motivating operations, and environmental arrangement.

Holiday meals are sensory obstacle courses: smells, overlapping conversations, scraping silverware, hugs, new clothes.

Support ideas:

• Pack a sensory kit: headphones, fidgets, chewy, preferred blanket, hat/hoodie, sunglasses.
• Plan a designated quiet space (“If it’s too loud, this is your spot.”) and show it to them when you arrive.
• Don’t force “nice clothes” if textures are unbearable. A regulated child in comfy leggings is more “holiday appropriate” than a distressed child in stiff jeans.

Adjusting the environment reduces the likelihood of challenging behavior without ever needing a consequence.

3. Make the Meal Itself Accessible

ABA principle: Preference assessments, shaping, and honoring autonomy.

New foods, pressure, and an audience can cause emotional challenges.

Support ideas:

• Always include preferred “safe foods” on the table or in a packed container: plain noodles, crackers, specific nuggets, fruit, yogurt - whatever your learner reliably eats.
• If you want to encourage trying new foods, think in tiny, low-pressure steps:
  • Step 1: New food on table.
  • Step 2: New food on their plate.
  • Step 3: Touch/smell/tiny taste if they choose.
• Use specific praise and reinforcement for flexible behaviors:
  • “You sat with us while everyone was eating - nice job taking space when you needed it.”
  • “You tried something new. That’s brave.”

Skip the power struggle over “just one bite.” We’re supporting long-term trust with food and with adults, not performing for relatives.

4. Build in Choice & Assent

ABA principle: Choice as an antecedent strategy, promoting assent-based practice.

Holidays can feel like a series of demands: say hi, hug relatives, sit here, eat this, smile for the photo. Too many non-negotiables = escape, refusal, or shutdown.

Support ideas:

Offer structured choices wherever you can:

• “Do you want to sit at this end of the table or that end?”
• “High five, wave, or just say ‘hi’ - you pick.”
• “Want to eat at the table or at the quieter side table?”

Watch for nonverbal or verbal ‘no’ and respect it when possible. When kids learn their “no” works sometimes, challenging behavior often decreases because communication is effective.

5. Practice Key Skills Before the Big Day

ABA principle: Task analysis, behavioral skills training, and generalization.

Instead of waiting for Thanksgiving chaos, teach and rehearse ahead of time.

Helpful micro-skills to practice:

• Asking for a break: “All done,” “I need quiet,” or using a break card.
• Tolerating brief greetings.
• Sitting at the table for a short, achievable duration.
• Using headphones or moving to a calm space when overwhelmed.

Use behavioral skills training (BST):

1. Explain the skill.
2. Model it.
3. Practice it (role-play).
4. Praise/reinforce.

Example:
“Let’s practice what you can say if it’s too loud: ‘I need a break.’” Then reinforce when they use it at home and during the holiday.

6. Reinforce Coping, Not “Perfect Behavior”

ABA principle: Positive reinforcement & differential reinforcement.

If caregivers only respond to big behaviors, those behaviors get all the attention. Instead, catch and reinforce even small steps of flexible, regulated behavior:

• Coming to the table.
• Using a break appropriately.
• Wearing headphones instead of yelling.
• Tolerating a new smell on the table.

Reinforcers might be:

• Extra time on a favorite device.
• Special one-on-one time.
• Access to a favorite activity after the meal.
• Tokens or a simple “holiday helper” chart if that’s motivating.

Make it clear and immediate:
“You used your break card instead of screaming. That was awesome self-advocacy. Let’s go swing for five minutes.”

7. Coach the Grown-Ups, Not Just the Kids

ABA principle: Systems-level thinking & caregiver training.

Sometimes the hardest part of holiday support is… Aunt Linda.

Key talking points for family:

• “We’re focusing on helping them feel safe, not forcing them to try everything.”
• “If they don’t want hugs, a wave or fist bump is great.”
• “Leaving the table for a break is part of the plan, not being rude.”

You can script this for caregivers ahead of time so they feel confident holding boundaries.

8. Redefine “Success”

Success at a holiday meal for a learner with autism might look like:

• They ate something.
• They stayed regulated most of the time.
• They used a skill (break, headphones, asking for help).
• They left early instead of melting down.
• They were respected.

That is success. ABA done well here is not about making them blend in; it’s about reducing unnecessary aversives and increasing access to connection, comfort, and joy.

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!